Shyness/ Being Courteous

Another reader question:


."sometimes when meeting new people she gets shy and nervous and won't make eye contact. If someone says "Nice to meet you" or "how are you?" she will look away and respond or respond as she is walking away. I tell her all the time to look at them in the eye or wait to walk away until she responds so they know she is acknowledging them but it doesn't seem to help. Is this something I will just have to keep reminding her of and hope that it will change? I just feel like she looks rude even though I know she is just feeling awkward sometimes."


Personally,  I believe that shyness should be addressed  and can be helped with practice.  Explain to her why you think it is important and that it is something that you want her to learn.  This should not be an option. (this needs to be an intentional conversation)


Perhaps you can make a game of it. Act it out thru out the week.  Practice with some of her friends and your friends.  Play act.    Your friend sticks out her hand and says nice to meet you Jane.  Jane shakes the hand and simply says," thank you". 
If someone compliments her dress  she needs to learn to say thank you.    
It is not too hard for her and sometimes can actually falls into the same category as not being willing to say sorry when they are wrong.  
Rebellion looks different at different ages! 
It is a process of learning.    


Next she needs to be the initiator.   "Hello, Mrs. Smith,  How are you today?" 
Get the first part down pat first and then you can start to work on this second area. 


Like with anything else, you can reward or discipline as the need be.  Early bed time would be good in this case...or just making her stay by your side if she does not respond appropriately.


Parenting is not for the lazy by any means!  Good work Mom!

Blessings!

A Mother's Plea ~ Part 2

I received a note from a friend who has a licensed day care in her home . 
After reading yesterdays blog she had some interesting things to say about some schooling she is just finishing for her daycare provider job.  Please see the following:


The teacher was saying: 
 "We don't want them to feel bad if they have done some thing wrong". No bad feelings. My instructor did not like a book that we love to read to our little guys called "NO, David" in the book David is made to stand in the corner because he hit a baseball while standing in the living room and broke a vase of flowers, (Just after his mother told him not to play ball in the house). The instructor said that she doesn't like that book because it made David feel bad and we should never make our children feel ashamed of them self. 
But this same gal who is the mother of five children,had told us a few weeks earlier that she guess she must owe Target around five hundred dollars for all the stuff her kids had broken over the years. She lets them play with stuff and if they open the package or break it "by accident" then she just puts it on the shelve and walks away. 
She also told us that when she was living in the  South she had a couple of her kids in Wal-Mart and a woman walked up to her and said, "if you don't beat that kid I will"! Now when she was telling this to our class she was pointing out how wrong and rude the people are in the South and how they still believe in spanking and the such. She did point out that children in the South are very polite". 


I just want to bring this to your attention if you indeed place your child/children in Day Care.  Whether it is a state run facility or privately owned, please do your job in the interview process.  You don't want your hard work to be blown away like smoke because the provider not only does not agree with you but lets the class in general run "amuck" when it comes to discipline.  This goes for babysitters as well.  Please make it clear to whomever you put in charge over your children how you would like situations to be handled.  This goes for school teachers etc.  I tried to always let the adult in charge know that I WANTED TO KNOW if there was anything that I needed to tend to.  We don't need to be afraid of this.  Children don't know until they are taught and they cannot be taught if we are not catching the behavior.  Try to get the people who care for your child all on the same page,  Sunday School teacher, school teachers, babysitters and neighborhood moms.   I guess it does take a "Village to rear a child!" 

A mother's Plea

You have just come home from vacation...tired and discouraged.  You spent your time and hard earned money wanting to give your children the very best of a trip.  Oh, it was OK but little by little you saw that things began to be taken for granted.  The kids seemed to not be satisfied and just wanted more.  Pouting and grumbling were the noises coming from the back seat of the car. 


You, being tired as well,  have an overwhelming discouragement and feel like not only are your kids acting spoiled but you feel like you have failed miserably as well.
What to do?


First ....just get unpacked and get a good nights sleep. 
After a few days of  "back to normal",  schedule a time when you can sit together and talk about the situation that seemed so mountainous the day before, (maybe even at the dinner table). 


"Ricky and Beth,  I just wanted to talk to you for a few minutes before you go to bed.  I've been thinking about our vacation and wondered what  some of your favorite times were.  Let's each share one or two things that we especially liked.   (share)
(BTW if the children had any spending money given to them from a relative/friend, this is a good time to teach them about thank you cards and/or a call  along with following through)


"You know kids...there were a few times that made me feel kind of bad as well.  Remember when you got so impatient waiting in the line and made the scene?  or.... when we were eating dinner and you just did not want to touch your meal and we ended up throwing it out?  or...the time that you both were fighting and did not want to go with me to see the show?"


Fill in the blank here parent...be specific and detailed.  Let the children/child know exactly how it looked and felt to you.  Teach them how to apologize.  Teach them how to be conscious of  gratefulness and saying thank you.  


Yup,it's just another one of our jobs.  When you are back to square one and you have made your point allow life to go on.  At dinner ask when they were able to say thank you that day.  Did they have to apologize at all or give forgiveness?  Watch situations that will pop up around you and use them for teaching and discussion.  


So when you decide to drive in to McDonalds for a surprise $1 ice cream cone and the kids just dig in and say nothing...you simply pull to the side of the parking lot,  turn around and quietly collect those cones and throw them away!  This is a cheap lesson that WILL make a big impact.  Yes, there may be some crying but you have no need to scream or get frustrated...it is all part of the teaching.  "Boys,  why do you think I just threw your cones away?  no..... no...... dont you remember the converstation we had the other night?  Well I was serious.  So be aware that there will be many tests in the days ahead and if you do not pass the test there will be consequences.
  Set up some situations off and on over the next days or weeks and I guarantee you they will learn "what's best for them"  Remember even Pavlov's dog was able to learn  that trick!


Blessings !

My Very Bad Day ~

One day, years ago, one of my sons (maybe around 10 years old) got up not feel well and we decided that he would stay home from school. Now mind you this did not easily fit in with my plans. Being a mom who tended to run a "tight ship" I did not like situations that were not "planned for" (believe me when I tell you that 12 children eventually BEAT that out of me) I sent him upstairs to go back to bed and continued on with the smaller children around me.


As I remember about lunch time he came down stairs and told me he was feeling better.
WHAT?! FEELING BETTER?!
I was just getting ready to put the little ones in for their naps and now this?! Well let's just say I did not take this "good news" very well. It was not fitting in with my plan. I was going to have an hour or 2 to have some quiet and now I had someone who was going to be "in the way".

(UGH This is making me nauseous just writing it !)

I was at the sink and I began (loudly)..."You're feeling better???? What was this a ploy to just stay out of school? Well, perhaps you should do some chores for me now that you are well...." (does this sound like a scene from Mommy Dearest?) All the while that my mouth was yapping I sensed a quiet urging in my spirit to stop...Did I? No I was on a roll....

and then ...God is His infinite mercy (to me and my son) gripped me.

My son had gone to his room when I called him back downstairs. When he got back to the kitchen I asked him to please go back out of the room and then come back again and say the first words that he had said in the beginning. "Mom, I'm feeling better"

Now the poor child, I'm sure, was thinking that this was some satanic ritual that I wanted to subject him to again and as he looked at me sheepishly puzzled I said "please just do as I say".

I'm sure, not wanting to be subjected to any further wrath, he silently went out of the room only to come back as I had asked him to.
"Mom, I'm feeling better." I sensed a cower.

" Son", I said, "You are ?! You re really feeling better? Oh that is wonderful news! Thank the Lord." "Let me put the babies in for their naps and we will have some lunch and spend some time together. ..maybe some cards or a board game."

He stared at me as if I had lost my mind and I proceeded to hug him and repent. "I'm so sorry for how I reacted to you. I have NO excuse....Will you please forgive me" Again ,I'm so sorry"

Is there any wonder that it is a miracle that any of our children grow up to be good responsible human beings? (Perhaps I should just say "my children")

If you ever find that you have "gone off the deep end", have spoken unkind and harsh words, have punished too quickly, have reacted rather than responded ~ Repent. Ask for forgiveness. Our children seem to forgive so quickly and easily.
It's God's Grace ~ "His strength is made perfect in our weakness". 2 Corinthians 12:9

I am humbled that He has such patience with me.
Blessings!

1..............2...............3

This has always confused me.   Why do parents count to three?  Do they not want expected behavior immediately?
Please parents ~ mean what you say and  I would like to preface this with ~  think through what you want before you say it.

When you count, overlook and/or give up you are speaking something louder than words.   "OK,  I don't care" 
Often the parent doesn't even realize what they are doing/not doing and in essence are working against themselves.   This will form a strong hold in your child that will effect them their whole lives.
 
A neighbor told of visiting her sister in another state. She was enjoying her coffee while her sister prepared her 7 year old's school lunch.  He was sitting, ready, waiting in a chair and watching a cartoon until the bus would arrive. 
It was quiet when Sammy said,  "Milk".  My friend watched her sister look up, stop what she was doing, go to the fridge, pour milk, get a straw, bend it, take it to her son and hold it for him to take a drink.  She then put it on the counter and continued to make the sandwich.  My friend said she watched this phenomenon take place 3 more times when she asked incredulously, "What ARE you doing???"  "WHAT?" The mom responded.    Her sister then painted the scene she had just been watching.   The mom stood speechless as she had not even noticed any thing odd about the picture.

This is what I'm getting at.  We train our children with everything we do or don't do ~ say or don't say.

Mom, Dad  Think it through.  Speak it clearly, eye to eye and mean it.  Follow through if you need to.  It is important.    These kids will one day be giving us our medications in the nursing home...I don't want them to forget  me!!

Blessings!

The Happy Chair**

Jayne is in the happy chair again! 5 times in less than half the hours. You are exhausted and it's barely 10 am. You just know that while she is squirming in that seat she is scheming her next onslaught!
How will you ever get through this day?

How I remember those days! Days that I would greet my husband's question of "How was your day" with "I've done nothing but spank bottoms all day!!" There are times when you can see in your child that nothing but an "encounter" is going to stop them. You try everything.... and it just does not seem to work.

Try this: Jayne has been sitting in the HC for about 5 mins. Go, take her by the hand, and bring her over to the rocker/chair/couch. Sit down and hold her on your lap. No need for words. Just hold her tightly and sit quietly. After 5 min. whisper a prayer over her and tell her how much you love her. Turn her around and look her in the eyes. Push back her hair and tell her how you need her to be a good girl today as you have many things to do. Tell her some of what the day is going to hold.

"Father , thank you for my sweet little girl, I thank You that You gave her to me and have blessed me so much. Lord I ask that You will help Jayne to obey mommy today. Help her to get along with her brother and not to throw anymore toys. Lord we need your grace."

"Jayne, I love you honey. Today is a big day. I need you to play while I finish washing the dishes and putting the clothes away. Can you do that for me? Maybe you can help me put away the spoons! After mommy gets done we are going to run an errand for Daddy and then we will come home and have some lunch...What do you thing you would like? Peanut butter and jelly? Grilled cheese? Maybe you will be able to have a popsicle after if you are real good! Then I will read you a story and you will have your nap. Later we can take the dog for a little walk before supper!"

Children usually will respond really well and can be taken off their "destructive" path with just a 5-10 minute intervention. I hope that you are able to get the "gist" of my talk with Jayne. Take a few minutes for a hug and snuggle. This can go a l o n g way in satisfying a child's needs for security, attention and boundaries!

You're doing a good job!
Blessings!

The Happy Chair is the chair I have and have had in my home where you sit "till you get happy"! (The time out chair)

Teaching Your Child to Forgive

Teaching Your Child to Forgive

This IS important.

1 Asking for forgiveness

2 Being forgiven

It takes two

Isn't it interesting that from the very beginning.....as soon as they are able....little ones dislike saying they are sorry. This is a result of the "fall" and babies are born with a sinful nature. It comes naturally. They are not taught to sin. As parents it is our job to be molding these babes "in the way that they should go".

Today we chat about forgiveness.

It begins at the toddler stage. Johnny grabs the toy away from a friend, Suzie bites the neighbor, someone gets pushed down and the list goes on.. and on.. and on..Unfortunately with young ones this can happen multiple times a day never mind an hour. It is so important not to overlook these teaching times, because that is what they are!
~ Teaching Times ~

Don't take it so personally! Don't get so bent out of shape! You are the parent and it comes with the territory of children.

When you see an infraction happen or you have it brought to your attention, you need to drop everything to deal with it. I know some of you are saying "Great! I am not going to get ANYTHING done if I tend to this one issue alone!" Yes, that may be very true BUT you must realize that this problem parented rightly will slowly but surely become a non-problem.

So take the time now! You see it or hear of it. You shut the vacuum off and immediately go to the problem.

1. Take the child to the side.

If the infraction is obvious, deal with the child that it applies to. Take the teddy from Johnny and give it back to Suzie and then take Johnny aside and talk it out. You need to take the child out of the center of attention otherwise he will be too self conscious to hear you.We are talking about toddlers at this point. The point making that this is where it all begins and this is where foundational "bricks" are laid in their character. Their ensuing years will be affected by what happens now.

2. Get on the child's level.

This is important. Get down or lift them up to sit on your lap or the counter etc. You need to be eye to eye. You need their FULL attention.I realize that this will most likely involve 2 children (at least) and each will have a different story. You are the master sorter! If it means setting them both in time-out because you cannot get a grip on what happened that is OK. They both will need to say they are sorry and ask for forgiveness.

3. Deal with it to the end.

I know! I know! We would all much rather do what we were doing! So where were we? Ah yes..Johnny is in the corner with us talking. We have gotten to the bottom of the story and now it is time for action. Johnny has heard the talk and been instructed to go and apologize. He needs to look Suzie in the face and say "I'm sorry for taking your teddy." Susie needs to say "I forgive you" DONE

HA you say ~ if it was only that easy!! STANDOFF. All mothers shake their heads together now. What do we do now? I so wish I were eye to eye with all of you now as this could be so much more comprehensive... you have to see it through. The child is removed and set on a chair until ready to do as instructed.You are simply making your point and STICKING TO IT!!
Children are all different. Some will skip away and others will sit for many minutes until ready to comply. It is here, at these ages, that you as the parent are building the authority and respect that in later years will be invaluable as you deal with much greater things.

Blessings!
Please do this exercise with quiet, loving authority. There is no need to act personally insulted. YOU are the parent!
Now I fully realize that many reading this may be grappling with this issue on a personal level. If so I strongly suggest that you meet with someone to help you sort out your feelings, betrayal, anger etc. Your pastor's wife, a trusted friend, or even myself here at Gilead's Balm would be more than willing to help you with this. (You really cannot become a good teacher until you have learned the skill first hand)

What's Your Style?

To scream or not to scream...that is the question.

Do you glare? Are you a slapper? Do you smolder for a while and then erupt, or are you just a screamer? Truthfully none of these verbs are really effective, but today let's talk about screaming.

You hear them at Walmart, aisles away....over the din of the shoppers. They tend to make passerbys stare or look down uncomfortably. They seem oblivious to the public. So are you one of "those"?

I wonder if screamers know that they scream? Does this technique really settle the kids down, promote good behavior or calm the storm? I don't think so.

There was a time during my growing up years that we lived next to a screamer. I find it interesting that while it tended to make us (the kids next door) stop in our tracks, it did NOTHING to cause the children being yelled at to even raise an eyebrow. Interesting huh?

Take a couple of days,especially during this school vacation, and "listen" to yourself. Dare to listen. Dare to think about your approach. You CAN STOP screaming and be much more affective in your discipline using a calm steady voice.

I think screamers may beget screamers.

If you would like to talk more about this feel free to email me at marnie.gileadsbalm@gmail.com. I can help you with this habit and you CAN change your style to the benefit of everyone in your circle.

Get your childs attention.... quietly.