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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

#30 NO is not a four letter word!

No is NOT a four letter word!

No, as negative as it is, is not a negative word. Wow that was an interesting sentence!

It is important to say “no” to our children. To every positive there is a negative. To every yes there is a no.

No is not a punishment. It is an instructive word.

Parents please don’t be afraid to use it. But back it up. Don’t just use it and not follow it through. Think before you say it.

You know it is not bad to say no to ourselves as well! “NO don’t have that last piece of cake!” “ No do not gossip.” “No get off the phone and read to the kids”

Ok that’s all I have to say about the matter! Enough negative for one day! We have been busy here at Gileads Balm so our writings have slacked off. Sorry. Do any of you have any topics that you want me to write on?

Blessings!
Marnie.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Recipe....Roasted vegetable w pasta

This is the recipe that was served at the "Alone with Jesus" retreat on 1-26-08. By the way thank you to all that came!

Cook fucilli (fuscilli) ? pasta according to directions. I'm sure you could use any pasta but I like this because it has come substance to it.

Cut up vegetables anything really I used:
summer squash, zukinni, onion,mushrooms, tomatoes, carrots, peppers, garlic
I pan fried and drained on paper towel salami cut up into small squares ( add at the end before serving)

I spread the vegs on baking sheet...drizzle with olive oil
and cook at about 450 degrees until cooked but still a little crisp.

Drain pasta add vegs and salami and toss with some Italian dressing if desired and top with shredded pecorino cheese.

This is a great dish hot or room temp and it tastes better the second time around!



The rice pudding : I cooked some rice according to directions and added it to precooked vanilla pudding. I stirred in some cool whip when the pudding had cooled. Darn...I wish I did not have to admit it was this easy!!!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

#29 OUCH that hurts!!!

Biting. Now that can be an embarrassing situation for a parent. You are at a play date and Carl takes a hunk out of Mark or at least leaves his imprint. Yikes what do you do then? First apologize to the Mom and child and then take your situation into hand. Remove your child to a place where you can mean business.

It’s interesting how some children bite and some don’t. I’m not sure why.

One thing I do know is…..if your child bites ANYONE make sure that it is the last time he does it!

We were sitting for a little 3 year old and her brother a number of years back. I had a 5-6 year old at the time. The little girl decided to leave her teeth prints on my daughters arm…which REALLY HURT! Not only did it hurt physically but emotionally as well!

I remember it well…Kendall came running, crying very hard. She told me what happened. I WISKED the little one up and sat her eye to eye on the counter in front of me and with a LOUD, STERN voice said, “don’t you ever, ever, ever, bite! We do not bite here. Look at this boo- boo that you made.”. I continued on this line, nose to nose with this little one and believe me she was getting the message. After a bit ( no pun) I questioned her about what I was saying. I made her repeat after me. I stayed on this for a minute or two and then I sat her in a chair for a short while.

She never bit again (at least in my house). She got the message.

Sometimes I feel that the quick movement and loud wording is all it takes. I was not screaming. I was in full control. I did not bite her back. I made her apologize for what she had done and kept a close eye on her for the next few weeks.

Sometimes we just need to “spring into action” It seems to create an atmosphere of tension that helps the offender know that you are serious and he/she is not sure what is going to happen next.

I have known people that had to have a pet put down because of uncontrolled biting … enough said!

Blessings,
Marnie
PS:You can also insert the following words where Biting…is used
Pinching
Hitting
Pushing
Name calling
Bullying
I think that you are getting the idea!

Monday, January 21, 2008

#28 It's a WEIGHTY matter!

It’s a Weighty Matter!
Here’s to HEALTH

We are what we eat the old saying goes!
Well it is the same for our children.

There is really no excuse, in my estimation, for a child to be heavy. They should not be making their own meals and doing the shopping. They should not be serving themselves. We are the problem!

Sitting on the beach one day next to a heavy women with her 2 children, I watched as the kids were playing contentedly in the sand. Every now and then the Mom would get their attention with “ OK, OK, you can have just 2 more cookies . But that is it until lunch time.”

The kids had not asked for anything…..they just were fed.

We’re hungry and we justify it by feeding our children as well ( unless we’re into hoarding our food under our beds) That is a topic for another time!

If your children are overweight at all. Please take the matter in hand. This is your job and they need assistance!. Begin to monitor their diet. Buy healthy foods. Empty the cupboards of junk. They may balk but it MUST BE DONE.
You and I both know that it will be MUCH EASIER now than later.

So with the money you save on groceries go to Kmart and buy new sneakers for the family and start a daily walking regime! It will be a great bonding time and you will all get in shape as well!


Blessings,
Marnie

PS There are Doctors and dieticians and even friends who can help you on your way .

Saturday, January 19, 2008

#27 Our responsibility...?

What is my responsibility?

Have you ever noticed that times are changing?
We feed, clothe, house and support for a good 18 years plus. We were always told that that is when our children would get jobs, get married and move out on their own…right? Well it often does not work that way.

We have children who leave for school and then come back. To stay… Or we have children that move out and need to be rescued continually. What is our role???

I remember a conversation with my oldest son. He had gone off for a year to a missions program and come back home. He had matured physically and socially. We sat on the front steps and I let him know how happy I was to have him back with us. We chatted and I proceeded to make it clear to him that we both needed to expect some differences. He had been out on his “own” and I still had young kids at home. There were still the house “rules” and I needed him to know that. I told him how the mother bird begins to “unfeather” the nest as the bird gets larger. I reminded him that many times children will find even the smallest of things to get upset and irritated over because they want to move out but don’t know really how to do it.
I told one of my daughters that she needed to know that she could not move out, under any circumstances if she were angry. All issues needed to be talked out and settled. We needed to come to grips with the fact that it was going to be difficult on both of us when it was time for her to move but that it was part of growing up.

I cried for 3 weeks when 2 of my children moved out close to the same time. It was not long before I realized that they really represented about 8 kids (as their friends were always over) and no wonder it was so quiet! But I must admit that 2 months later when they were back at the door (to visit) I wanted to say so “why are you here”!
I had come to enjoy the growing quiet, the rooms that remained clean and the overall peace that I had not had for sooooo long!

I hope that you can relate!

Its all normal and natural….But what if it doesn’t happen? What if they need to move back in after school or perhaps never move out after school?! How should it look?
First I think that it is very wise to sit down and make up a contract of sorts. Talk to your husband and decide what you want it to look like. Then talk it out with you son/daughter. Cover all the topics: laundry, room, board, meals, respect, cleaning up messes, letting you know where and when, guests etc…. and then when you have come to an agreement write it down and sign it.
Your child SHOULD NOT be staying in your home for nothing. Even if you have no need of the extra income….he/she needs to learn the responsibility of paying their way. (Save the money and use it for something special or if you really don’t need it give it back to them when they do move out….maybe it can be their first months rent) But remember they are adults now and must be treated as such. Set standards for them and don’t make it too easy. You will not be doing them any favors.

Then there is the child that moves out just because he can’t stand you any more! You are so restrictive etc….
BUT you still get the calls….” Mom do you mind if I drop off 5 bags of laundry? I have nothing to wear!” “Dad, my car’s not running do you think you could fix it/” “Folks I am going to Disney for 2 weeks with a friend, would you mind watching my dogs?” “ Dad I’m short on cash and my rent is past due and my landlord is bugging me. Could I get a loan?” “Sis can I borrow $50.00 until my next check?”

Weigh these requests carefully. If you can and want to do any of them fine do it .. but remember…. no complaining. But if there is ANY guilt or need to act like a savior, be codependent etc…..No ! I give you permission to just say no!!!

“Oh Jimmy! How’s it going son? When can you come over to dinner? Hey about the laundry, you know the old washer and dryer are kind of on their last legs but you remember the laudromat on Main St. right? I think that its open most of the time”.
“Susie by the way did you get that oil change that I reminded you of last week? Remember I told you every 3000 miles? You haven’t had one for how long?? Well I suggest you get it right over to Walmart for a check up and see what they say.” “Wow aren’t you the lucky one! T he dogs? Didn’t you say that you still had not gotten them house broken yet? Well you know dad and I work. But I do know that there is a kennel in town. Why don’t you call them .. or maybe you could find one of your friends who wouldn’t mind.”
“ Oh sweetie! I’m sorry that you are in such a bind! I would if I could but our mortgage payment just went out and we just don’t have it. Maybe if you call your landlord he will give you an extension.” “Jacki, I will have to run it by mom and dad to see if I can loan you the money. They said that I have to check with them for this kind of thing. Sorry.”

There is no need to fight. No need to take it on. No need to wear it. You may think that you are helping but you might very well be just prolonging the inevitable. Lay it down and DON’T feel guilty!

Our children MUST GROW UP. We would not have it any other way. We do not want to be their savior. They need to look up for that. Again I give you permission to not rescue over and over again!

Talking with a mom the other day I asked her when was the last time that she had had fun with her husband? She admitted that the issue at hand had been weighing heavily on them both and causing much stress and irritation. I told her it was time to remove the cloud caused by this child (that was shadowing over EVERYTHING) and go and enjoy each other. It’s ok In fact it’s not only OK its GOOD!!! You earned it….Your marriage must take priority!

And personally I think that valuable lessons are learned when Sara calls home to find that you guys are just headed out for dinner and dancing and not there every time for her beck and call .

Blessings!
Marnie

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

#26 are you a SCREAMER???

I remember it clearly. My friends' mom would come out of the house and SCREAM at her kids. I never heard her talk in a normal voice to her children...and the most interesting thing to me at that time was..they COMPLETELY ignored her!

Why do we feel we need to SCREAM? Are we loosing control? Are we being ignored? Are our children deaf?

Are you a SCREAMER? Take a minute and think about it. I have found through trial and error that SCREAMING is not the best route to take. It is better to get the childs attention..eye to eye...and make yourself clear and understood. SCREAMING is to explaining as slapping is to a spanking. It is done out of frustration and anger just like a slap vs. a thought out spanking.

So how do we stop?
First, you need to admit that that is what you do. 2nd you need to see what drives you to it. 3rd you need to set some boundaries for yourself. Bring the kids in on it, or perhaps a girlfriend or your husband. Give them permission to give you the high sign when you start.

Now take your feelings off your sleeve and remind yourself that this is going to benefit everyone involved. Plus is that how you really want to be thought of?

We SCREAM when people are not "hearing us". So how do we change this? You have spoken, warned, threatened, bribed, cojoled and no one is paying any attention. You are like a broken record that those around you have gotten used to. How sad. All that wasted energy! All that empty parenting. All that cement being poured into the wrong place. Yes we are creating a solid foundation that our children will expect and live out.

Ok now so take a deep breath and begin a new day. Stop, think before you speak/scream. Carry through....be consistent..get your childs attention. But PLEASE STOP SCREAMING!!! what will the neighbors think:):)

Blessings,
Marnie

Monday, January 14, 2008

#25 Is the honeymoon over????

Ok, today I'm going to ask you to do something perhaps difficult and maybe a little scary!

GO AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR!

NOW
Ok, so what do you see? I mean take a real assessment.
Have you gotten out of your PJs? Is your hair combed and neat? Do you have at least minimal makeup?

How about your home? Is it neat? If someone stopped in without calling would you be comfortable? Is your bedroom neat, bed made, clothes put away? Are your children dressed and ready for the day. Remember that this is training ground.

When your husband comes home from work...are the children clean? Is there something cooking for supper? Do you look like the woman he wanted to marry?

Now some of you might think that this is old school and perhaps even legalistic. I think not. It is just good sense. It's good for you, your children and your relationship with your husband.

Please don't look at it like another chore. When I get up in the morning (now and when I had little kids) first I took the 3 minutes it takes to make the bed ( Did you know that your bedroom instantly looks cleaner when the bed is made) and then I go and make myself "presentable". It will usually be the last time I get to look in the mirror for the day so I try to get it done before the day begins.:)

Map out your day. Put some thought into it. Decide what you will have for supper before 10AM so that you can prepare ahead and have whatever thawed etc. Maybe you could even make a dessert!

Now I know that there are those "days" but they are not everyday. If you are a stay at home mom this is your job...so do it well. If dad comes home late have the kids fed and bathed so that after a book with dad they can go to bed and you can have some quite time with your husband.

Honestly, today at Walmart I saw some women that made me wonder if they had just given up on themselves...pajama pants, no makeup, hair not even combed and I dare not go further. I would not want my husband to look like a slob and I believe that he feels the same about me!

So ladies...DO YOURSELVES A FAVOR.... take a few minutes for yourself and EVERYONE will feel better (even the people at Walmart!!)

Blessings
Marnie

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Bullies

It must be terrible to hate to go to school, the playground, your cousins, etc. for the child that is being bullied.

Parents, keep your eyes open for this situation. Bullier or Bullieee, they both require parent intervention. Your child may complain about going certain places...or he/she may not say anything at all. Watch, listen and take action if needed.

Bullies come in all sorts of packaging; short, tall, thin, heavy, older, younger. If you sense that your child is being a bully...get involved and take proper action. Let them know that this behavior will not be tolerated. If it starts at a play date with a young child..pull them out of the play group....take them aside and correct them. If it continues remove them from the situation. Apologize and take the little one home. Don't be embarrassed. It happens and life is a hugh learning curve. Only be embarrassed if your child gets a reputation because you have not done your job.

Insist that the child apologize to the other person involved...maybe even a note to the parents. The punishment must fit the offense and the child must know that you are SERIOUS. Do not put up with even a hint of it! My young friends' little girl pulls the hair of her little brother. It looks like it starts with affection and quickly goes to something else. Do not put up with this. Deal with it quickly and intentionally.

If your child is being bullied see if you can gently get him/her to talk about it. Let them know that you are for them. Discuss changes that can take place. If it continues on for even a little bit of time you probably should get involved. If it happens at school...you need to go visit the teacher and principal. You all need to be on the same page and be aware of what's going on. Your child might be afraid of this and think that he may get into even deeper problems with his peers. Perhaps go on your own at first without saying anything to your child.

But again I want to stress again: Stay on top of it. Check in with your child daily... know what's going on at all times. Do whatever you have to do. It can be a very scary place for a child. Children can be very mean...even our own. Its just another opportunity to teach them the right way to live with others.