What is my responsibility?
Have you ever noticed that times are changing?
We feed, clothe, house and support for a good 18 years plus. We were always told that that is when our children would get jobs, get married and move out on their own…right? Well it often does not work that way.
We have children who leave for school and then come back. To stay… Or we have children that move out and need to be rescued continually. What is our role???
I remember a conversation with my oldest son. He had gone off for a year to a missions program and come back home. He had matured physically and socially. We sat on the front steps and I let him know how happy I was to have him back with us. We chatted and I proceeded to make it clear to him that we both needed to expect some differences. He had been out on his “own” and I still had young kids at home. There were still the house “rules” and I needed him to know that. I told him how the mother bird begins to “unfeather” the nest as the bird gets larger. I reminded him that many times children will find even the smallest of things to get upset and irritated over because they want to move out but don’t know really how to do it.
I told one of my daughters that she needed to know that she could not move out, under any circumstances if she were angry. All issues needed to be talked out and settled. We needed to come to grips with the fact that it was going to be difficult on both of us when it was time for her to move but that it was part of growing up.
I cried for 3 weeks when 2 of my children moved out close to the same time. It was not long before I realized that they really represented about 8 kids (as their friends were always over) and no wonder it was so quiet! But I must admit that 2 months later when they were back at the door (to visit) I wanted to say so “why are you here”!
I had come to enjoy the growing quiet, the rooms that remained clean and the overall peace that I had not had for sooooo long!
I hope that you can relate!
Its all normal and natural….But what if it doesn’t happen? What if they need to move back in after school or perhaps never move out after school?! How should it look?
First I think that it is very wise to sit down and make up a contract of sorts. Talk to your husband and decide what you want it to look like. Then talk it out with you son/daughter. Cover all the topics: laundry, room, board, meals, respect, cleaning up messes, letting you know where and when, guests etc…. and then when you have come to an agreement write it down and sign it.
Your child SHOULD NOT be staying in your home for nothing. Even if you have no need of the extra income….he/she needs to learn the responsibility of paying their way. (Save the money and use it for something special or if you really don’t need it give it back to them when they do move out….maybe it can be their first months rent) But remember they are adults now and must be treated as such. Set standards for them and don’t make it too easy. You will not be doing them any favors.
Then there is the child that moves out just because he can’t stand you any more! You are so restrictive etc….
BUT you still get the calls….” Mom do you mind if I drop off 5 bags of laundry? I have nothing to wear!” “Dad, my car’s not running do you think you could fix it/” “Folks I am going to Disney for 2 weeks with a friend, would you mind watching my dogs?” “ Dad I’m short on cash and my rent is past due and my landlord is bugging me. Could I get a loan?” “Sis can I borrow $50.00 until my next check?”
Weigh these requests carefully. If you can and want to do any of them fine do it .. but remember…. no complaining. But if there is ANY guilt or need to act like a savior, be codependent etc…..No ! I give you permission to just say no!!!
“Oh Jimmy! How’s it going son? When can you come over to dinner? Hey about the laundry, you know the old washer and dryer are kind of on their last legs but you remember the laudromat on Main St. right? I think that its open most of the time”.
“Susie by the way did you get that oil change that I reminded you of last week? Remember I told you every 3000 miles? You haven’t had one for how long?? Well I suggest you get it right over to Walmart for a check up and see what they say.” “Wow aren’t you the lucky one! T he dogs? Didn’t you say that you still had not gotten them house broken yet? Well you know dad and I work. But I do know that there is a kennel in town. Why don’t you call them .. or maybe you could find one of your friends who wouldn’t mind.”
“ Oh sweetie! I’m sorry that you are in such a bind! I would if I could but our mortgage payment just went out and we just don’t have it. Maybe if you call your landlord he will give you an extension.” “Jacki, I will have to run it by mom and dad to see if I can loan you the money. They said that I have to check with them for this kind of thing. Sorry.”
There is no need to fight. No need to take it on. No need to wear it. You may think that you are helping but you might very well be just prolonging the inevitable. Lay it down and DON’T feel guilty!
Our children MUST GROW UP. We would not have it any other way. We do not want to be their savior. They need to look up for that. Again I give you permission to not rescue over and over again!
Talking with a mom the other day I asked her when was the last time that she had had fun with her husband? She admitted that the issue at hand had been weighing heavily on them both and causing much stress and irritation. I told her it was time to remove the cloud caused by this child (that was shadowing over EVERYTHING) and go and enjoy each other. It’s ok In fact it’s not only OK its GOOD!!! You earned it….Your marriage must take priority!
And personally I think that valuable lessons are learned when Sara calls home to find that you guys are just headed out for dinner and dancing and not there every time for her beck and call .
Blessings!
Marnie
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